I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a panic attack.
It’s honestly one of the most painful, uninspiring feelings in the world. You’re not in control, you’re scared, and it feels like everything is crumbling down.
Some have it worse than others, but there’s one commonality among everyone who’s ever experienced a panic attack: the feeling of helplessness.
Now double that feeling 10X.
Heap on guilt, shame, and hopelessness, and you’ll have one of the most painful experiences for a Christian: Being torn away from GOD.
For the past two years and three months, I’ve not posted anything on this blog.
My busy schedule was a nice enough excuse, but the most accurate reason was my fractured relationship with Christ. I was feeling far from God because of sin.
For those two years, I’ve gone so far from God that it felt impossible to return. I dug myself multiple graves and then put on an armor of pride and ego.
I refused to acknowledge God and chose the world and flesh over Christ so many times that I lost count.
The result was a failed relationship with God, lots of depression, and an intense lack of peace.
Now, I’m retracing the steps back to God, and it is one painful journey.
His voice still feels silent, and even though peace has returned, I can’t shake off the shame and guilt over just how much I wronged God.
I’m still not in a good place.
(For me, the perfect place is one where I’m in perfect communion with Christ. He is my father, and I’m safe underneath His love.)
I’m now learning to crawl back to the one who has my heart.
What Caused My Faith to Wonder?
I can’t really pinpoint when I lost track of my faith.
It was more of a slow, sure, and half-intentional fading.
Of course, I’m the one who ran, the one who distanced myself. Christ remained the same. He called and called, but my heart was hard.
My sin was a bigger culprit. I gave so much authority to my flesh that I forgot to bow to Christ.
Sins I had let go since becoming a Christian resurfaced, and sister, I tell you, they came back 7-fold like the said demons in the bible.
What are the Effects of Sin on a Believer?
Now, I have to deal with the remnants of sin. It’s a filthy ache that pains every time the thoughts resurface.
Before all this, I was a Christian for close to six years. Even then, it was not always perfect, but I had learned to stick to God even on the bad days. I hate the word backsliding, but there’s no better way to explain my experience.
It’s embarrassing to have once known God so deeply and then succumb to the pleasures and passions of the world. You know it’s wrong, but for some reason, you keep digging your own grave and turning further and further from the father. Now, you keep feeling far from God because of sin— all the time!
Depression and Anxiety
I’ve had countless sleepless nights in what can be classified as a bad case of terrible insomnia. I’ve lost focus of my dreams, goals, and ambitions, and on some occasions, my will to live. Because of this sin and my constant distancing from my father, I have become trapped in such ridiculous anxiety, such depressive days, and so many tears.
Apathy has almost taken over(and I say almost because, on some days, there’s a strip of hope).
Being so far from God has undone me.
Faded Purpose and Goals Because of Feeling Far From God Because of Sin
My ambitions are almost no more than sparse writings on a sticky note.
My purpose has almost reduced to nothing more than survival. Contentment is such a foreign word now. And love? I’m not even capable of giving it out as expected because I’ve closed off true love from the King of Kings.
It has been terrible, gut-wrenching, painful, and full of so many regrets. I wish I could undo the past mistakes and erase the memories of my sins, but I know they’ll always be there.
But even if it’s been so hard, there are some silver linings in what has become a gloomy lifestyle.
- I’ve gained a friend who listens and encourages me.
- I’m not unconvicted anymore. I know my sins, and I’m so determined to get out of their grip.
- Most importantly, I’ve come to realize that life without Christ is oh-so meaningless, terrible, painful, and uninspiring.
What’s Next Now?
I wish I were writing this blog post when I’m already 100% right with GOD. But there are a few things I need to work out.
I just figured out that if I were to wait for the perfect time, I would miss out on sharing the journey or remaining accountable for that goal.
So, that is what has been happening. I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m getting there.
What to do When You Feel Far From God
If you’ve experienced the same, I want you to know that there’s still hope.
The only part now is to be intentional in pursuing God and being grounded in the truth: The Word of God.
- So, let’s wake up early to pray and learn from His word
- Repent fervently
- Meditate on His Word daily
- Find friends that keep us accountable
- Attend church on sabbath to hear from Him
If you can’t pray, then worship with a song or write down your prayers.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below if you’re feeling far from God because of sin.